I bought myself a flower, put it in my button hole,
I bought a pot of after-shave and an album full of soul,
I bought a tub of best pomade and a tie that said Good Luck,
But fortune didn't favour me, she just laughed and said, Like fuck!
I went out on the dance floor where my belt decide'd to snap,
My trousers fell down to my knees, it wasn't the worst mishap,
My underpants were up my arse, I had a pimple on my bum,
And every person in that hall was immediately struck dumb.
I gathered up my trousers, asked a lady up to dance,
She gave me her best withering look and said, No fucking chance,
The orchestra were playing loud, it was a tricky part,
But then they hit a quiet bit just when I had to fart,
Three women dressed like Jezabelles began to look and point,
So I quickly legged it to the door, I had to leave that joint,
When all at once I heard a rip as my y-fronts tore in two,
So I just ran out of the door, what else was there to do?
A drunk sat on the pavement, so I sat and had my say,
He nodded once or twice and then got up and walked away.
So when you next go dancing, remember, please, my plight,
And open up a box of chocs and have an early night.
Copyright © Max Scratchmann. All Rights Reserved