Bad Joseph

Joseph Jehosaphat Montague-Pryce,
Was a boy who was really, not very nice,
He pulled girlies’ pigtails and chased little dogs,
And ran shopping trolleys through huge pavement logs.

His mother despaired and his father was stern,
It’s time some good manners, my boy, you did learn,
So they stuffed him in a bucket and sent him to Spain,
Lest he was ever, naughty again.

And he wrote home a letter of remorse and regret,
They’re feeding me octopus, and grated courgette,
And there are tourists in beach shorts asleep at my door,
And I honestly, actually, can’t take any more,

Please let me come home and I’ll forsake my old habits,
I’ll pet little kittens and be kind to rabbits,
I’ll smile at old ladies and not ping their stays,
And say a goodbye to my villainous ways.

So Joseph came home and said he’d be good,
It was his intention, he knew that he should,
But seeing a pigtail he gave it a tug,
Then gave Cynthia Simpkins a clout in the lug.

The school phoned his parents and said, he’s been bad,
We thought you’d succeeded in taming this lad,
His father, he nodded, said, leave it to me,
And they sent him to bed without any tea,

And bright in the morning they drove to the zoo,
Said, put him in a cage without further ado,
He acts like a monkey, so treat him like a chimp,
And don’t be misguided if he fakes a bad limp,

But Joseph said, sod it, I’ll foil their smug game,
And I won’t be relying on being crippled or lame,
And he gathered up the monkeys and said, follow me,
And you’ll never endure another chimpanzee’s tea.

So they banded together and broke free from their cage,
And pelted the punters with anger and rage,
Then they climbed a tall building in the style of King Kong,
But the zoo people shot them to show it was wrong.

And as Joseph lay dying, he cried, oh, don’t feast,
You didn’t kill me, ‘twas Beauty killed the Beast.